To Boddah
Speaking from the tongue of an experienced simpleton who obviously would rather be an emasculated, infantile complain-ee. This note should be pretty easy to understand.
All the warnings from the punk rock 101 courses over the years, since my first introduction to the, shall we say, ethics involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I haven't felt the excitement of listening to as well as creating music along with reading and writing for too many years now. I feel guilty beyond words about these things.
For example when we're backstage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowd begins, it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddy Mercury, who seemed to love, relish in the love and adoration from the crowd which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to rip people off by faking it and pretending as if I'm having 100% fun.
Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out on stage. I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it (and I do, God, believe me I do, but it's not enough). I appreciate the fact that I and we have affected and entertained a lot of people. I must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they're gone. I'm too sensitive. I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasm I once had as a child.
On our last 3 tours, I've had a much better appreciation for all the people I've known personally and as fans of our music, but I still can't get over the frustration, the guilt and empathy I have for everyone. There's good in all us and I think I simply love people too much, so much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. The sad little, sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces, Jesus man. Why don't you just enjoy it? I don't know!
I have a goddess of a wife who sweats ambition and empathy and a daughter who reminds me too much of what I used to be, full of love and joy, kissing every person she meets because everyone is good and will do her no harm. And that terrifies me to the point to where I can barely function. I can't stand the thought of Frances becoming the miserable, self-destructive, death rocker that I've become.
I have it good, very good, and I'm grateful, but since the age of seven, I've become hateful towards all humans in general. Only because it seems so easy for people to get along and have empathy. Only because I love and feel sorry for people too much I guess.
Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the past years. I'm too much of an erratic, moody, baby! I don't have the passion anymore, and so remember, it's better to burn out than to fade away.
Frances and Courtney, I'll be at your altar.
Please keep going Courtney, for Frances.
For her life, which will be so much happier without me.
Click here to hear Courtney read the note. [Sun-AU, 8khz, 676K]
Courtney Love: I don't know what to say. I feel the same way you guys do. If you guys don't think ... I used to sit in this room, and then he'd play the guitar and sing ... I'd feel so honored to be near him ... you're crazy. Anyway, he left a note. It's more like a letter to the fuckin' editor. I don't know what happened. I knew it was gonna happen, but it coulda happened when he was 40. He always said he was going to outlive everybody, and be 120. I'm not gonna read you all the note 'cause it's none of the rest of your fuckin' business, but some of it is to you. I don't really think it takes away his dignity to read this considering that it's addressed to most of you. He's such an asshole. I want you all to say 'asshole' really loud.
Kurt Cobain: This note should be pretty easy to understand. All the warnings from the Punk Rock 101 courses over the years since my first introduction to the, shall we say, "ethics," involved with independence and the embracement of your community has proven to be very true. I haven't felt the excitement of listening to, as well as creating music, along with really writing it, for too many years now. I feel guilty beyond words about these things. For example when we're backstage and the lights go out and the manic roar of the crowd begins, it doesn't affect me the way in which it did for Freddie Mercury, who seemed to love and relish in the love and adoration from the crowd.
Love: Well, Kurt, so fucking what! Then don't be a rock star, you asshole!
Cobain: Which is something I totally admire and envy. The fact is, I can't fool you, any one of you. It simply isn't fair to you or me. The worst crime I can think of would be to put people off by faking and pretending as if I'm having 100 percent fun.
Love: No, Kurt, the worst crime I can think of is for you to just continue being a rock star when you fuckin' hated it. Just fuckin' stop!
Cobain: Sometimes I feel as if I should have a punch-in time clock before I walk out onstage. I've tried everything within my power to appreciate it, and I do. God, believe me I do. But it's not enough. I appreciate the fact that I - and we - have affected and entertained a lot of people. I must be one of those narcissists who only appreciate things when they're alone. I'm too sensitive. Oh, I need to be slightly numb in order to regain the enthusiasm I once had as a child. On our last three tours, I've had a much better appreciation for all the people I've known personally and as fans of our music. But I still can't get out the frustration, the guilt and the empathy I have for everybody. There's good in all of us and I think I simply love people too much.
Love: So why didn't you just fuckin' stay!
Cobain: So much that it makes me feel too fucking sad. Too sad, a little sensitive, unappreciative, Pisces Jesus man.
Love: Oh, shut up, bastard. Why didn't you just enjoy it ... I don't know. And he goes on to say personal things to me that are none of your damn business. Personal things to Frances that are none of your damn business.
Cobain: I had it good, very good. And I'm grateful. But since the age of seven, I've become hateful towards all humans in general, only because it seems so easy for people to get along and have empathy. Only because I love and feel for people too much I guess. Thank you all from the pit of my burning, nauseous stomach for your letters and concern during the last years. I'm too much of an erratic, moody person that I don't have the passion anymore. So remember ...
Love: And don't remember this, 'cause this is a fuckin' lie ...
Cobain: It's better to burn out than to fade away.
Love: God! You asshole ...
Cobain: Peace, love, empathy, Kurt Cobain.
Love: And then there's some more personal things that are none of your damn business. And just remember, this is all bullshit. But I want you to know one thing. That 80's "tough love" bullshit. It doesn't work. It's not real. It doesn't work. I should have let him, we all should have let him, have his numbness. We should have let him have the thing that made him feel better, that made his stomach feel better. We should have let him have it, instead of trying to strip away his skin. You go home and tell your parents, don't you ever try that tough love bullshit on me, 'cause it doesn't fuckin' work. That's what I think. And I'm laying in our bed and I'm really sorry. And I feel the same way you do. I'm really sorry, you guys. I don't know what I could have done. I wish I'd have been here. And I wish I had listened to other people, but I didn't. Every night, I've been sleeping with his mother, and I wake up in the morning, I think it's him, 'cause their bodies are sort of the same. I have to go now. Just tell him he's a fucker, okay? Just say, "Fucker. You're a fucker." And that you love him.
Click here to hear a Sun-AU of Krist reading his statement.
Krist Novoselic: On behalf of Dave, Pat, and I, I would like to thank you all for your concern at this time. We remember Kurt for what he was: caring, generous and sweet. Let's keep the music with us; we'll always have it, forever. Kurt had an ethic toward his fans that was rooted in the punk rock way of thinking: no band is special, no player royalty. If you've got a guitar and a lot of soul, just bang something out and mean it. You're the superstar, plugged into tones and rhythms that are uniquely and universally human; music. Heck, use your guitar as a drum; just catch a groove and let it flow out of your heart. That's the level Kurt spoke to us on, in our hearts. And that's where he and the music will always be, forever.